Bella the Bitchy Witch
by That70sshowlova
Summary: Bella Swan is a witch that exiles herself to Forks, Washington to get away from her mother and stepfather. Her bad attitude doesn't seem to push the nosy people of Forks away, not excluding the shiny-toothed Edward Cullen or his attractive older sibling.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** So, originally, I had this on a completely different account, but I've decided to delete that account, because, ya know, what's the point in having two accounts? I'll try to post a chapter every week, but I'm so impatient that it'll probably be every couple of days or so. So, without further ado, the first chapter.

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><p>"You don't have to go." she repeated for the umpteenth time. I wanted to reach my hands over there and strangle her.<p>

Shit. And listen to you and that fucking warlock professor go at it? "Whatever."

"Really, Bells. I'll miss you. Please don't go."

"You're a bad liar."

She pursed her lips and handed me my carry on. "Have fun. Tell Charlie I said hi."

"Like he would give a shit you said hi." I scoffed.

I left with that as my goodbye. That women back there? She's my mother. She just got remarried to a professor at my magic school. Talk about awkward. He stumbles out of my mom's bedroom after violating her and tells me I failed a test. What? Is he grading papers on her back? Wouldn't surprise me.

Professor Mack is a hard ass. I would know. He insists that I call him Professor Mack. He yells at me when I'm not studying for his dumbass test. Like I'll fail in life if I don't know who the hell created the first school for gifted students. No, not Professor Xavier, you dumb shit.

And to top it all off, Mack is a hypocritical little dick. Like that one health teacher I had. Ms. Mackenzie. She would always preach about not having sex before your married and one day she walked in with her usually tiny ass waist carrying a stomach the size of a basketball.

See why I want to get the hell out? My father, Charlie (as I like to call him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Disrespectful and all that, but I barely know the guy! It's not like my mom ever let me see him.) said I could live with him. He was ecstatic when I said yes. Probably lonely. Lord knows he's not gettin' any.

"Is that your carry on?" the stewardess asked me with a sneer. "It's not going to fit up there, you know. We should probably put it with the rest of the luggage."

I glared. "Why don't you leave me the hell alone before I take my broom and shove it up your ass?"  
>She huffed and left in a spoiled little hissy fit.<p>

Why a broom? Why the hell are you so fucking nosy? Ahem, sorry. Anyway, I'm a witch. Shut up. I didn't ask for your opinion, so don't even start. Yes, a witch. And yes, I fly on a broom. No, not every witch does it, I just like flying on a fucking broom, all right? I could have chosen to fly on a vacuum cleaner or a pig for crying out loud. You probably wonder what I mean. Well, when every witch or wizard turns the legal driving age (sixteen) you get to choose your transportation. Most chose flying cars, but I chose a broom. I could change it, if I wanted, but I don't feel like it. It's too much paper work.

When I finally reached Port Angeles, I found Charlie waiting for me beside his police car. Charlie's completely and utterly mortal. He doesn't know I'm a witch, and between you and me, I'd rather not tell him.

We greeted each other awkwardly. I haven't seen him since I was four. The ride home was quiet. He occasionally tried to strike up a conversation about the weather, but I couldn't concentrate. Charlie was an average guy, lets be honest. He was tall, wiry. He was completely awkward and I don't know about you, but I wouldn't take him seriously if he had a gun to my head. His clothes were baggy and he had the cheapest hair cut on the menu. He was police chief of the small town of Spoons. No, shit, Forks. Anyway, all clichés aside...he has a mustache. A very awesome fucking mustache. I can barely even remember what the hell is going right outside the passenger window when I see his mustache. It's that glorious.

We managed to make it home and I stood in my room, Charlie behind me. It was exactly the same as when I was four, except now I had a twin sized bed. Oh joy.

"Do you like, uh...blue?" he asked. He set my luggage on the floor. "The pink paint was chipping so I, uh, repainted it. Blue okay?"

I turned around to reply when I got caught by that fucking mustache again. "Huh?"

"Blue. Is that an okay color?"

He should grow a handlebar mustache...I shook my head to snap out of it and coughed. "Yeah, it's fine. Whatever."

He seemed relieved. He hugged me quickly and left to go watch some fucking retarded ass baseball game. I hate sports.

I stopped by the mirror and looked at myself. I was a head shorter that my dad. I was the spitting image of him, though, really. I had his hair, straight brown. I had his eyes. Brown. I had his skin tone. Pale. I wasn't necessarily skinny. I knew how to appreciate food and I hated working out. My figure was more curvy than anything. I'm not fat, if that's what you're getting at, but most bitches make a face when I pick up a brownie instead of a water.  
>I couldn't sleep that night. It was too fucking cold in the house and the constant sound of rain was fucking annoying. During the middle of the night I attempted to stop the rain and warm the house but I can't mess with weather when it comes to spells. I'm not that powerful.<p>

"'Morning, Bells." Charlie greeted me when I stumbled down the stairs from lack of sleep. "You look horrible."

"You look like shit, too." I snapped.

Charlie tried to scold me but it's a useless attempt. I never learn. He left a little while after giving me one final lecture about swearing and respecting old people. Once I grabbed my broom, I was on my way. What? You thought I would drive that piece of shit Charlie bought me? I appreciate the offer, but Charlie's cheap. We all know he's got money in the bank but he refuses to spend it on an actual _nice_ living environment.

At school, two people called me fat, the same two people mysteriously ended up in the Intensive Care Unit, some fake bitch named Jessica tried to be my friend, a horny bastard tried to talk to me, and some cold hearted bitch named Lauren had the audacity to almost slap me. Oh, correction, three people in the ICU.

I needed some place to sit in lunch, so I accepted Jessica's lunch offer. That's when I saw them. Five freaky ass, pale-skinned, yellow eyed, great haired _things_.  
>"Who the fuc—"<p>

"The Cullens." Jessica interrupted with a dreamy sigh. If I weren't so suspicious of the yellow eyed freaks, I would have slapped her.

"They're so gorgeous." a girl hummed. "I would fuck any of them."

"They have yellow eyes." I stated.

"Aren't they beautiful?"

"Yellow. Fucking. Eyes."

"It's probably contacts or something." Jessica said.

"I repeat. Yellow eyes. They all have eye problems and all decided to get yellow contacts?"

"OMG, Bella, you're so smart! That makes so much sense!" some bitch addicted to texting squealed.

If I don't die from those yellow eyed owls over there, I will definitely die from my IQ being lowered to the point where I snap my neck trying to perform oral sex on myself. Spoons. Stupidest fucking town ever. "So, like, anyway, the Cullens are, um, like, all adopted, right?" Kill me now. "Err, that guy, with the muscles is Emmett. He dates the blonde girl, Rosalie. The blonde girl is the blond guy's twin. His name is Jasper. He dates the short, midget looking girl named Alice. And the last one? The one that's like, mm, a Greek god, like, red hair, big package—Gah!"  
>I raised an eyebrow. "Did you just cum?"<p>

Jessica blushed. "No!" she shifted her legs awkwardly.

I rolled my eyes and stood up with my empty lunch tray. I put it away and walked to my next class, Biology.


	2. Chapter 2

When I got into Biology class, I did the same as any other. I told the teacher who the fuck I was, he gaped, tried to strike up a conversation about why I was there, how my mother was, if she was single, blah blah _blah_. You get the idea. He pointed out a seat near the front.

I sat down and grabbed a textbook from the table. I flipped to the page on the blackboard and nearly had a fucking heart attack when the redheaded yellow eyed _thing _suddenly appeared in his seat...right. Next. To. Mine.

The redhead looked right at me, _glaring_. What the _fuck_? He was glaring at me? What the hell did I do? Who shoved a twig up his pale, skinny white ass?

"Take a picture," I snapped, "It'll last longer."

"What?" he gaped.

"Take a fucking picture, dumbass, it'll last longer."

"I—I don't understand..."

"You were staring at me, you freak. Got a problem?"

"You started it!"

"How so?"

"By smelling s—"

He was _smelling _me? Before I could get up and kick his ass, class started and Mr. Banner called order. Watch your back, Cullen.

Once again, Edward went back to glaring at me. He seemed a little disappointed when I didn't react except flipping him off. Fucking asshole. The douche has the nerve to glare and smell me?

When class ended, I stood up to kick his ass, but he was much more intimidating standing up. Nah, that wasn't it. He fucking vanished before I had the chance to shove my foot so far up his ass he'd be eating it.

So, instead, I walked out of the hall, ditching gym class. In my opinion, gym class shouldn't be a requirement. So I usually skipped it. The gym teachers were fucking fat ass hypocrites. Bitching at us to run when they're pushing three hundred pounds. Sweating while lifting up a doughnut to his mouth.

I intended to find his skinny ass and shove my broom up it.

I couldn't find the yellow-eyed fucktard. The little twerp was lucky he wasn't chocking on my broom right now. He was literally gone. He didn't come in the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. He was hiding. Good. He's fearful of me.

His little ghost-freak siblings set me on edge. I spent five minutes on my slow-as-a-snail computer looking up yellow eyes, pale skin, and stone-like features. I probably should have searched through my Book of Shadows or maybe that dusty hardcover book _Supernatural Beings and You _but they don't have control f, now do they? I also probably should have searched longer, but I'd rather not waste my life on those fucktards.

So, the rest of the week I ignored the curious glances of the _things _and ignored the other annoying things, i.e, the humans. I'd rather avoid wasting my energy on being the most obvious bitch to the most oblivious people. What point of, back the fuck off, don't you understand?

"Hey, Bella!" The thing I barely remember the name of (Jessica, right?) screeched in my ear.

Whoa, back the fuck off, lady. "Why don't you go get lost on a highway?"

Jessica-I-think furrowed her eyebrows and then giggled as she shook her head furiously. "Oh, no thank you, Bella. I hate getting lost. I always have to a—"

Holy fuck, shut up! Instead of torturing myself with her stupidities, I turned around and left.

As I walked as fast I could with the bustling bodies in the one-inch-across hallway, I ran into someone. No, not someone, some_thing_. The yellow-eyed, yellow-haired, frigid, bitchy, tall _thing_. I had to crane my neck to look at her, which I had a feeling made her smug. Like she had power over me because she towered over me. Bitch, please. I can wreck you. She looks like one of those bitches who pulls hair. I hate the hair-pullers.

She glared down at me. "Excuse you."

I cocked an eyebrow. She could make up for the red-head. I'll shove the broom so far up her ass, I'll only be holding the bristles. I didn't say anything, I let her pass me, now I have better access to her ass. Thinking about it really, do I want to put my broom through that humiliation? Hmm...Tempting, oh so very tempting.

The yellow-eyed, yellow-haired, frigid, bitchy, tall _thing _was gone, though. Simply vanished between the mass of sweaty bodies. Next time, then.

The first week of school was tedious. Students didn't get the hint. How more straightforward can I be? Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone!

When I returned to school on Monday, I was tingling with excitement. Redhead was back. Maybe not a broom, but perhaps a stick.

When Biology rolled around, I had a nice, thick, long stick in my hand. However, Mr. Banner snatched it from me and decided to use it for some show and tell thing. All of a sudden, we were going on a nature walk. With a buddy system, the buddy sitting next to you. Oh, fuck me. Wait, no, don't. I don't want that _thing's _tiny penis anywhere near me.

"Bella, right?" He asked.

I didn't reply but instead continued to walk. Our goal was to find interesting organisms. So, I was going to do just _not _that. I'll ditch him.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to introduce myself last week."

"I understand." I stopped and looked at him with a sweet smile. He relaxed and smiled back. "You were a little preoccupied with vaporizing me with your eyes, you creepy ass fuck."

He frowned. "Really, Bella. You shouldn't swear."

I resisted the urge to break a branch and shove it down his throat.

"I'm sorry I was so rude. I caught pneumonia. I was very under the weather. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, if I did, I sincerely apologize."

I fingered the leafy branch as I passed. Just snap it off and have him open wide.

"Do you forgive me?"

"Will it shut you the fuck up?" I snapped. He nodded quietly. "Fine, then, apology—" _thrown out the window and run over by a car _"—accepted."

He smiled brightly, showing off his oddly impressive teeth. . .Ah, fuck.

I finally know who they are.

The Osmond siblings.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> This will eventually be femslash. A long ways down the road, though. So if you are uncomfortable with that, you have a good ten to fifteen chapters before it happens. Thanks for reading and hopefully reviewing. Button's right down there.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, Bella, I was thinking..."

Who the fuck are you again? He was blond. Short. Desperate puppy-eyed look. Yeah. No clue. "Who the fuck are you?"

He threw his head back and laughed. "Good one, Bells."

I stared at him, hoping my eyes conveyed the mixture of fuck-off and I-have-no-clue-who-you-are-nor-do-I-care. It's like glaring at a brick wall. How more obvious can I get? So I've been trying this new thing. If I find someone uninteresting or annoying, I get up and leave. So instead of standing in front of the door to Biology, I turned around and left.

I camped out in the girl's bathroom. I shoved the trash bin under the knob. Closest to locking it a girl could get. A sharp knock banged on the door. I ignored it.

"Come _on!_" an exasperated voice yelled. "What does a girl have to do to take a piss around here?"

"There's a nice big forest outside the school." I suggested casually.

"Fuckin' bitch." she not-so-discreetly whispered. Ha, yeah, more like yelled. Oh well. Better to think of me as a bitch than a shy, stutter-y little girl who whines and obsesses.

When the bell rang, I happily walked out of the bathroom. I cannot believe I managed to stay in the bathroom all damn day long. I guess I'm just that fucking awesome. I avoided touching the sweaty-dinky-teenaged bodies as much I could. The hallways of this school were practically one inch across, so I had to shove a lot of students out of the way. Some may have winded up in the nurses' office. Whoops.

I started my walk to the edge of the lot and waited for all the students to clear out so I could take my broom for a spin. I would kick-start it in the forest, but I always tangled up in the canopy. Life's a bitch. As I stood there waiting, some dumbass in a clunky van speed raced around the corner. I watched in mild amusement as the dumbshit's tire scraped the ice the wrong way and started to spin its way towards me.

Huh. Never thought it would end this way. I always pictured it at a "family" dinner when I lived with Mom and Professor Mack. He would tell me to cut him a slice of cake or pie or some other disaster Mom had tried to cook. (She can't cook). And whilst picking up the knife I would stab myself in the heart. I thought it was a good way to go. Either that or lung cancer from all of those cigarettes I've been smoking. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoking, _bad_. Naughty. Well why don't ya just roll up the news paper and smack me on the nose? I'll stop smoking cigarettes when I stop looking like a total badass when doing it, and when the horror stricken faces stop amusing the fuck out of me. Uh, never.

Speaking of cigarettes, I took a long drag from the one in my hand as the car continued to come at me. Before I splattered, my arm was yanked nearly out of its socket and I got to watch the car wrap itself around a pole. I took another pull and blew the smoke in my savior's face. None other than the redheaded _thing_. He sputtered and waved his hand to shoo away the smoke.

"How'd you get over here so fast?" I asked as I blew smoke rings in the chilly air.

"What do you mean?" he practically growled. I swear, there's foam collecting at the corner of his lips. Is he rabid, or something?

I motioned generally towards his car. "You were over there. Trying to vaporize me again with your weird yellow eyes."

"I was right next to you, Bella," he said so forcefully and angrily that I had to cock my eyebrow. "Okay? I was standing right here."

I blew some more smoke into his face. "No you weren't. You were over there." I pointed once again. "Trust me, I would know. It's a little hard ignoring someone who's burning a hole in your head."

"I was—"

I cut him off. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't care. But listen." I puffed more vapor into his face. "I know you and your freaky ass siblings, you're not human. It's pretty much 'cause your eyes are yellow, or, well, black. They change color, it's pretty fucking creepy."

"I—uh—what—?" He sputtered. "You hit your head!"

I chuckled. "Sure. Watch your back, Cullen." I dropped the cigarette and ground it on the gravel with my toe. I waited impatiently for him to leave, but he kept sputtering nonsense about me having a concussion and him having some type of adrenaline rush. God! I'd rather be dead! I stared at the van regretfully. I wonder how much damage I could do with a broken broom through the heart. That's going to be a fuck of a splinter. Still better than listening to ginger over here.

"Can you leave now?" I snapped.

A fat guy interrupted Edward before he could answer and collapsed against the busted car and wheezed out his greasy breath. He must have run a long time, he was out of breath.

"Swan." He gasped. "A-are you all right?"

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked.

Edward gave me a look. "No swearing, Bella."

"I'm Coach Clapp. Don't you re—Never mind. Are you okay? You almost got hit by a car!"

Edward eagerly jumped in. I could practically see a fucking tail wagging. "Concussion! She hit her head. On the car…ground…my rock-hard skin. Whatever! Hospital, doctor, now. Delirious."

"Well the ambulances still haven't gotten here yet. But you can ride with them, Ms. Swan. It wouldn't hurt to get a check up."

Edward grabbed a nearby student and took a chomp out of their skin. He let their blood pour over my skull. "Bleeding. She's bleeding. See? Blood!"

"What the _fuck_?" I screamed. "You just bit that bitch's wrist! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Fat guy nodded. "I do see. She's obviously crazy. Seeing things that didn't really happen. Yes. She should be checked out."

"I'll see to it my father does the checking." Edward said, flashing a relieved pointy-teethed smile. Ass.

"Ass." I repeated aloud. "Edward's fu—"

"Oh, lookie here, ambulances are here! Come along Ms. Swan." Coach Clapp said, pulling me towards the ambulances. Dumbshit was already being loaded in. I stood in front of a paramedic who was rushing to apologize.

"I am so sorry it took so long. We just got so darn excited that it made us pass out for a second or two. Now what do we have here."

"Almost run over and hit her head." Edward explained. "She could be in shock…or just crazy. I mean she thought I saved her by running across the parking lot in a flat second. That's crazy!"

"Edward!" a voice snapped. And all of a sudden the hair-puller was behind Edward's back. She pulled him away by the ear, hissing something that sounded suspiciously like dumbshit. Huh. I like her.

I tried to run, but they strapped me down to a stretcher and threw a neck brace on. Assholes. Even worse, Edward rode shot gun and kept rambling about how crazy I was and that I had a concussion and I was in shock and shit. Motherfucker.


	4. Chapter 4

This bed was giving me a fucking back ache. This pillow was practically made of fucking rocks. Doesn't surprise me that Forks Hospital can't dish out enough money to make their fucking patients comfortable. Cheap bastards. I had unfastened my neck brace already and chucked it not so discreetly at the doctor as soon as he walked in. Doctor, that's funny. More like his daddy had connections. He looked more like he spent time being cut than doing the cutting.

Dr. Plastic-face ducked casually as I threw the brace at him and gave me a bright smile. Fuck, I think he gave me sun burn. I glared at him as if daring him to fucking prod me with that stethoscope of his. He'd probably end up poking my eye out. Probably has the IQ of a box of rocks.

I concentrated on the neck brace that was lying on the floor. I saw it float behind Goldilocks's head and then break in two as I threw it at his pretentious golden hair. What the fuck?

Dr. Plastic-face turned around and regarded the brace with a pale raised eyebrow. He then turned to me and gave me more red skin with the stupid fucking smile. I swear to God, these Cullens are going to be the fuckin' death of me. I was so tempted to smash his oddly impressive teeth in with the nearby TV. Lets see him break _that_ in two!

Dr. Plastic-face poked at me at if I was some fucking science experiment. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for his stupid fucking red-haired _thing_ of a son. Don't even get me started on that fucking asshole. I was already shaking with suppressed anger.

"Well, you seem to be all right. I can't seem to find the wound where the blood came from, but it might have been the driver's. If you feel an—"

"Shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone!" I shouted. "I'm tired of you and your fucking weird ass son!" One of the lights overhead blew up in my rage.

Dr. Plastic-face seemed a bit surprised. I can just _hear_ him thinking, _That's odd my super powered charisma seems to have no affect on you..._Stupid fucking egotistic plastic-faced asshole of a doctor.

If that _was_ what he was thinking, he didn't voice it, but instead said, "You really shouldn't swear, Ms. Swan."

That's it! I stood up and pushed Plastic-face out of my way. The hospital was too cheap to give me hospital robes, but I wasn't complaining. That would have meant an over-stay night and, uh, _fuck that_. I had nothing to collect before I started my way to the check out desk. I would sign myself the fuck out of this hellhole. I'd forge Charlie's signature if that's what it came to.

Just as I rounded the corner, I ran smack into a very hard fucking chest. My nose started to leak blood as I heard it break. For fuck's sake! I glared at the person who broke my nose only to come face-to-face with that blonde bitchy looking hair puller.

She smirked at me. "That looks like it hurts."

Fucking bitch. I was ready to push her into the wall and crack her head open.

"Edward's back there. Say's he wants to talk to you."

"Tell him to go fuck off," I said.

She sneered. "He'd probably tattle to daddy dearest that I swore."

I couldn't help but snort. I didn't doubt it. "Whatever. I'm obviously not going to get out of this, am I?"

"Edward's annoyingly persistent. He'll stalk you home if you don't go see what he wants now." Her lips curved into a smile of amusement that I didn't understand.

I growled and tried to pushed past her, but she held me back. "Wait." She grasped my nose in her cold white hand and yanked. Motherfucker! I shouted an "ouch" and kicked the wall in my pain. She smirked and pushed me on my way.

"Hello, Isabella," Edward greeted cheerily. "I just wanted to say that...is that blood?"

I wiped at my nose and held out the red-stained finger. "Yeah, hungry?"

He froze. "W-What do you mean?"

"God, Cullen, don't look so constipated, it was a joke." I wiped my finger on his shirt and he looked incredulous. "That's the least of the payback you deserve for fucking embarrassing me like that."

"I—I sav—saved your life!"

I snorted. "I would have been perfectly content to be relaxing on a cloud right now and learning how to play the harp while bitching people out, 'kay?"

He sputtered and you would think his face would have turned as red as his hair in anger, but no, it stayed as white as snow. I rolled my eyes and walked past him to continue my way to the front desk. When I got there, I saw my dad already checking me out.

I grinned and slapped him on the back as thanks.

He grunted and punched me in the shoulder. Charlie and me...we seriously don't like affection. A punch in the shoulder is the closest we'll get to 'Love you'. "Yeah, kid. C'mon. I accidentally let it slip to your mom what happened and she uh...she's a little mad. Wants you to go back to Arizona or somethin' like that." He frowned. He'd never admit it, but I knew he was lonely. The closest thing he had to a girlfriend was his hand and a cold shower.

He was lucky though, I'm not goin' back to that place. Ever.

"Not while her and that professor are still screwing like rabbits. If she's not careful, she'll have another snot-nosed brat running around."

Charlie let out a tiny snort of amusement before motioning for me to follow him out. When we got home we ordered pizza and celebrated me still living by ignoring my mother's phone calls.


	5. Chapter 5

That night, I had a dream of Edward Cullen. I was standing in front of him and his face was sparkling as if he had body glitter on. He smiled at me, sweetly, and I smiled back, my heart swelling. Then I picked up the crow bar that happened to be next to my feet and bashed is fucking brains in. Ah, fun.

Remember that kid that almost killed me? Well, he felt really guilty about it, and now he's following me around; eating at my lunch table, trying to carry my books, for fucks sake he fucking switched some of his classes to match mine. Fuck! He explained to me that he was really sorry and he was trying to make it up to me. By what? Smothering me to fucking death? Damn.

One good thing came out of all of this, Edward-Fucking-Weird-Eyed-Cullen started to ignore me. It was almost like the good ol' days. I gave up on finding out what was fucking wrong with him, because honestly? I hope his weird yellow eyes were some new disease and him and his cronies (aka family) would fucking follow him six feet under.

School was school. I'm smarter than all of these asshats in this ho-dunk town. My classes got pushed up a couple of grades because of this. Since there's _really _nothing to do in this town, I can only focus on my studies. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a scholarship to some prodigious school in some classy town where I'll become a doctor or some shit. At least I'll be contributing to society.

I got my new schedule from the guidance counselor and made my way to my new class math class. Teacher's name was Homes and he directed me to a seat next to the blond haired bitch faced Cullen. What was her name again? Daisy? Daffodil? Tulip? I don't fucking know. After the nice silence with Edward, I gave up even trying to keep my eye on Tulip and her siblings.

I didn't acknowledge Tulip after that, instead, focused on pre-calculus. Homes handed out our homework early and I got to work. I noticed that Tulip finished a lot earlier than the other students and I contemplated cheating. I mean, shit, I hate math and the answers were right there. I peeked over once or twice but gave up and finished it on my own. I'd probably get caught anyway. Charlie would be pissed if he got wind of this, and he would, because hello? This is fucking Spoons. Which fits really, because this town is the size of a spoon.

I stood up when the bell rang and made my way to the cafeteria for lunch. I met Jessica at the door, bitch was staring my down.

"I asked Mike out to the Girl's Choice Dance." she started.

"Who the fuck's Mike?" I questioned as we walked to the salad bar. The lettuce was wilting and bugs were flying around the tomatoes. Fuck that shit. I looked at the main dish, chicken that had red stuff leaking out at the bottom. I am _so_ not getting ecoli from this school. I saw one of the _things_ gazing at the chicken. It was the constipated looking one. He put the chicken on his plate and dipped his finger in the blood and licked it. Freaky.

I turned away from him and looked at Jessica with a raised eyebrow. "So, who's Mike?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "The hot one. Blue eyes, round face, blonde hair in a stylish gelled manner."

"_Yeah, _no clue who the fuck that is."

She scowled and walked away.

I continued to look at the food. Why the fuck do I talk to her again? The pizza was the only thing that looked edible, and it had green blotches on the cheese. I give up, I'm going hungry. I turned around and ran smack dab into some asshat's head. Motherfucker. I gripped my forehead and silently recited a healing charm. Fuck. I let go of my forehead and opened my eyes to burn holes in the asshat's skin.

He smiled guiltily at me. "Sorry, Bella. Not the best way to start this co—" Blah, blah, _blah_. I stopped listening and started to walk away until he gripped my shoulder. "Wait, what's your answer?"

"To what?"

"About going to the dance...with me."

I stared at him. "_Yeeeeaaaah_, no." I pushed him out of the way and walked out of the cafeteria. Fuck this shit.

I arrived at Biology early. Banner had me washing his chalkboard, putting me to use or some shit. Why the fuck didn't I skip again? I could feel his eyes on my ass. Fucking pedophile. I leaned down and pulled my wand out of my shoe and whipped around and held it to his neck. His glazed over eyes widened in shock and I snickered.

"Stop staring at my ass."

He started to chuckle. "I don't know what you're talking about, Bella, but please watch the language, I don't want to have to write you up. Now, could you please move this twig from my neck."

Fucking mortals. How you amuse me. I put my wand away, knowing I would get fined if I put a hex on a mortal. I don't have the money to pay for that shit. I continued to wash the board and he continued to eye-rape me. Creepy bastard.

I sat down in my seat when the bell rang. Puppy-eyes—was this who Jessica was talking about?—purposely walked up to me and sat on the desk right in front of Edward. Banner had left the room, doing God only knows what. No, I know what and I would rather not. I'm getting that fucker reported. Puppy-eyes smiled at me.

"Hey, Bella, I was w—"

I glared at him. "Fuck. Off."

Edward, in the first time in a month, looked over at me. "Really, Bella, you shouldn't swear."

Really, Edward, you should shut the fuck up. I glared at him and broke off a piece of metal from my binder. I turned towards Edward and stabbed him in the neck with it, only for the metal to break in two.

"Really, Bella, you shouldn't try to com—"

I screamed bloody murder.


	6. Chapter 6

I continued to scream until my throat was raw and a couple students' ears were bleeding. I noticed that Edward kept glancing over at the blood with a weird look on his face. Creepy fucker. I silently cast a healing charm on my throat and let out another shriek.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed at Edward. I stood up and grabbed a near by chair, causing a student to fall ass first on the floor. I picked up the heavy metal chair and swung it at his head. The chair fell apart and Edward sat there completely fine. "WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE?"

Edward looked at me so calmly that I was about to pick up another chair. "Now, really Bella, you shouldn't wish death on someone. They could die—"

"Good!" I interrupted. "That's what I want you to do, you stupid fucking...supernatural...fucker!"

"And you would feel very guilty about it when I did die and it would be too late to do anything about it." He continued like I didn't interrupt him with a gazillion f-bombs. I'm surprised he didn't say anything about me sw—

"And really, Bella, you should watch your language."

I screamed in frustration and stomped a little. So I was throwing a tantrum. Don't you think it's well deserved? I picked up my stuff and started to storm out the door, but puppy-eyes stopped me.

"Wait, Bella, will you go to the dance with me?"

I picked up one of the legs from the chair that broke a minute ago, and sent it crashing into his stomach. He doubled over and then I brought the leg to his nuts and left him crying on the floor.

I retrieved my broom from my locker and walked to the parking lot. Just as I mounted my broom, fucking yellow eyes came over and stopped me.

"Hey, Bella." he smiled like nothing was wrong. "I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to...I dunno..."

"Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded. Fucking piss eyes over here was asking me to the dance? "I swear if you finish that, I will fucking throw you into an ocean full of sharks."

He stared at me. "I was just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out that day."

"Fuck no."

He grinned. "Great, I'll pick you up at seven!" He leaned down and kissed my cheek and then was gone before I could blink. I started to claw at the tainted skin until I felt blood. I kick-started my broom and flew home, smashing mail boxes as I went.

The next morning I ignored piss eyes and it worked out pretty well. It might have helped that I didn't have any morning classes with him. In math class, bitch face stared at me.

"Edward came home last night ecstatic, saying he had a date with his brown eyed swan."

I glared. "No, we fucking don't."

"He says you do."

"Tell him to go fuck himself."

She smirked slightly. "He'd tell on me."

I rolled my eyes and that was the end of that conversation.

Edward tried to get me to sit with him at lunch. I threw an apple at his head and unintentionally started a food fight. It was fucking awesome though. I got that dick who asked me out yesterday in the crotch with a plastic tray.

Edward tried to hold my hand in Biology until I took the knife we were passing around class—Mr. Banner was explaining the utensils and the procedure for dissecting—and stabbed his face. The metal was now shaped like an L and I owed the school money unless I helped Mr. Banner after school. I said fuck no to both.

I noticed Mr. Banner hovering over that innocent Angela girl, taking a peek down her shirt. I took out my wand and Mr. Banner was now in the hospital. Woopsies.

They immediately replaced him with a substitute who declared we were going to have a change in plans. She brought out a box of shit saying we were going to find out our blood type for some blood drive.

"Who doesn't drink alcohol in here?" The substitute asked. Everyone raised their hand but me. "No, seriously." A couple hands went down. "Come on, be honest here people." Edward's and Angela's hands were still up. "Okay, good. I'm going to need your blood. My doctor is testing for alcohol and lets just say I got fucking trashed the other night."

Edward's eyes went wide and he fled the room like a bat outta hell.

"Hey, you, come back 'ere! I need your fucking blood!"

She didn't bother chasing after him but expectantly held up a needle to Angela.

"I'm not so sure about this..."

"Do you want to pass or what?" Angela nodded. "Good, now here."


	7. Chapter 7

Over the weekend, Charlie said he was going down to some reservation to watch fucking sports or some shit with some paraplegic and his son. I told him I was going, too, because to be honest, I'd rather not get thrown in witch jail for killing Edward Cullen. I had a feeling the fucker was stalking me or some shit. At least with Charlie around, I won't be _as_ tempted to telekinetically choke slam the shit out of him.

I had no choice but to ride along with Charlie, I couldn't very well tell him I wanted to use a fucking broom instead. Like he would take that news well. Charlie pulled his police cruiser into a driveway and some round-faced, dark-skinned native kid bounded out the door like a fucking puppy. I swear, I saw a tail. He grinned at Charlie and excitingly licked his cheek or something equally as dog-like. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.

"Bell?"

I looked up, bored. "What?"

"Remember Jake?" Charlie asked.

I snorted. "No."

"When you came to Forks one time when you were four, you and Jake played outside while Billy and I watched—"

How was I supposed to remember that shit? I was four years old for fuck's sake! I once again stopped listening and pushed the fucktard out of the way so I could let myself into his house. I helped myself to their couch and gave a grunt to Bobby when he said hi.

"So, Bella, you've gotten older." Bobby said conversationally.

"That's what people tend to do, dumbass." I replied as I played Angry Birds on my cellphone even though it wouldn't be invented for a couple years. I'm a witch, I can do shit like that.

He scowled. "Not all people."

"Celebrities _are_ people, Bobby." I reminded.

"It's Billy."

"Same shit."

"And I wasn't talking about celebrities. I was talking about the Cullens."

I looked. What is up with these fucking Cullens, man? They're everywhere. I can't fucking escape them! Well, if he was going to volunteer information...—it would be rude to turn him down. "What about 'em?"

"They're vampires!" Fucktard jumped in, wagging his tail and hopping up and down in excitement. "Yup! Vampires! And I'm a werewolf! And I _hate_ vampires! But I _love_ you! In fact, I think I've imprinted on you. Can I hump your leg?"

Bobby smacked Fucktard on the back of the head.

"That's some strong shit you're smoking there, kid." I told him as I closed out Angry Birds and opened up Temple Run.

"No, I'm serious—Ow!"

Bobby had taken a near by vase and smacked the shit out of Fucktard. Didn't know this would be so entertaining. I should come here more often.

"Dad, what was that for? I was ju—"

"Hey, you," I interrupted. "You wanna take me up to your room?"

His eyes lit up. "Okay, sure!" He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me down the hall. Once he opened the door and directed me to his bed, I searched for his bong or pipe or gravity or whatever he fucking uses to smoke.

"Where's your stash?"

"Stash?"

"Yeah, you know, of pot." I prodded. I, of course, had my own in my back pocket encase I got bored enough, but to be honest, I wasn't willing to share.

"I don't smoke."

I snorted. "Right. And I'm motherfucking Santa Claus."

His eyes got wide. "You _aaaaare_?"

Dumbshit. He's so baked, he burnt. I pulled my stash out of my pocket and conjured some papers. After casting a charm as to where Charlie and Bobby couldn't smell it, I rolled my joint and lit it magically. The kid's obviously delusional if he thinks he's a fucking dog, so I'm not going to try to be discreet with my magic. No one's going to believe the fucktard.

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

"You know."

"No, actually, I don't. Why's it green? Is it a plant? Is it grass? Are you smoking weeds or lettuce or something?"

I smirked. "Or something. So, kid, tell me more about those Cullens."

He jumped up on the bed from his sitting position on the floor and started to scamper in circles to get comfortable. Once he was curled up in a ball with his fury head on his paws, he began his story.

"Well, I'm a werewolf that loves you. I'm also a werewolf that _hates_ vampires, 'cause vampires are stinky and smelly and ugly and annoying and they smell like flowers, but not those flowers that smell icky but smell nice like...sweet things. And they're perfect and pretty and kind of attractive, especially that one with the red hair and the perfect teeth and the gold colored eyes—No! I hate vampires! Vampires are icky and bad and _not good_!"

I raised my eyebrow and blew smoke in his face. He coughed and waved his hand to clear the smoke away. I let out more vapor with a smirk.

"Ahem, anyway, I'm a _totally straight_ werewolf. Werewolves and vampires totally hate each other because...we just do. The Cullens are vampires and they aren't allowed on our land 'cause we made a treaty with them _years_ ago. The Cullens _nom-nom-nom_ on animal blood instead of human, so therefor are harmless. So we said if they stayed off our land, didn't make any more vampires, and never killed a human, we wouldn't kill them. Wow, why is my room turning orange? Whoa, Bella, your head is _really_ big."

I offered him my joint and he looked at it with distaste before hesitantly taking a pull. He immediately coughed and thrust the joint back to me.

"Cough it out." I said. "So, the Cullens are vampires, huh? That explains some shit."

"And I'm a werewolf! I'm so special and awesome! Love me! Prove to everyone I'm totally straight and love vaginas!"


	8. Chapter 8

We blew that joint as soon as Jacob started to feel me up. By feel me up, I, of course, mean slipping his hand under my shirt and groping my bra and sticking his tongue in my mouth, only to pull back before I could slap him and exclaim, "Ewww!"

When we got home, I promptly fell to sleep and had a very bizarre dream. I was butt fucking Jacob with a dildo. Huh. Disturbing. Also, I had a dream that I staked the shit out of Edward Cullen's heart, but I think that was the lesser of two fucked up dreams.

Jessica called and told me were going shopping. I decided why the fuck not, it's not like I have anything better to do with my time. Fuck, that's sad. I have nothing better to do that shop for frilly dresses for a stupid dance at a stupid school in a stupid down. Have I emphasized stupid enough?

I slid down the banister of the stairs and skidded to a halt behind the couch. "Hey, Charlie, I'm meeting up with Jessica at the mall in Port Angeles."

"I don't think you're car will make it there, Bells," Charlie said, not looking away once from the retarded basketball game that he and Billy had been watching earlier, only to be interrupted by Jacob humping my leg.

"Yeah, I'm flying there on my broom."

He chuckled. "Good one."

"I thought so," I said before leaving. I hopped on my broom and ended up getting there before Jessica. I waited impatiently in the food court, where Jessica said we would meet. She finally arrived, dragging Angela behind her.

"Hey, Bella. Look who I br—"

"Blah, blah, blah, doesn't this girl ever shut the fuck up?"

Jessica narrowed her eyes. "Ex_cuse _me?"

Whoops. I guess I said that out loud. Oh well, I'm not taking it back. "Are there any witchcraft stores around here?"

Angela nodded. "Yeah, there's one down the street. Do you want me to go with you?"

"Nope. Have fun shopping. See you fuckers later."

I started my walk down the street. It was still pretty light out, but you know, there were always those fucking drunkards in the town who hung out in the bar as soon as it opened and stayed till they were kicked out. Unfortunately, he was stumbling after me, and no matter how many times I tried to trick him—like, you know, crossing the street, I didn't think his shitfaced brain could keep up—he still followed me.

I whirled around. "Keep following me and I'll shove this broom so far up your ass..."

Before I could finish my threat, a silver car ran him over.


End file.
